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Getting Back With Your Ex

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At some point in your dating life, you’ll break up with someone you had strong feelings for—or that person will break up with you. For whatever reason, the relationship comes to an end. Usually, this is followed by a period of grieving and questioning, and then you are able to put it behind you and move on to greener pastures.

But sometimes you don’t get over it, and you find you truly miss that person’s presence in your life. You start to think about rekindling that relationship—getting back together. That might be a smart move—sometimes spending time apart can make you realize what you valued about your time together. Sometimes the perspective of time and distance can show you what was really wrong, and what you might to do make those things better.

But sometimes our own weaknesses drive us back to relationships that we should stay out of. It’s hard to know which you’re doing when you think about getting back with your ex. It’s worth it to take some time and ask yourself some of the following hard questions.

Why did you break up in the first place? Don’t look at this with rose-colored glasses; absolute realism is necessary. Did he irritate you? Did she nag you? Did he cheat? Did you realize you had nothing in common? Were your underlying values and goals just too different? After being apart for a while, it’s easy to persuade ourselves that those problems weren’t so bad—but don’t forget that the problems were bad enough that you broke up over them once. It’s not that problems can’t be dealt with, but don’t minimize them.

Could you trust that person? Were you constantly wondering where she was and who she was with? Did he criticize you in front of his friends? Did you catch her in a lie? If you were unsure of your partner’s trustworthiness back when you were dating, what has changed to make you feel you can depend on it now? People do change, but they should have to prove it before you take a chance on them again.

Did drugs, alcohol or other addictions have a place in your relationship? This should be a deal breaker. You cannot change someone, and you cannot free them from their addiction. If you’re thinking about getting back with an addict—whatever their addiction: drugs, booze, gambling, sex, shopping, food, etc—you should get proof that they’ve been clean for at least a year. Promises won’t cut it—addicts are experts at making promises people want to hear. Only action will suffice. Otherwise, stay out of the morass of that relationship.

Are you lonely or sexually frustrated? The easy access to companionship and sex becomes more appealing the longer we go without it. And there’s no doubt that those are primary benefits of being with someone. But every man and woman needs to be able to stand alone, even if that means being lonely, before they are ready for a relationship. Otherwise you enter into it needy and dependent—never a good place to start.

Was there abuse involved? This is another deal breaker. Sometimes relationships can recover from abuse, but make sure there’s tangible proof of that recovery. Is your ex in counseling or anger management classes? Abuse patterns are very hard to break for both the abuser and the abused. If you’ve gotten out of that, think long and hard before stepping back in.

Did your ex make you happy? Did you look forward to seeing him at the end of the day? Did she call you at work for no reason? Was he affectionate and respectful? Were you a better person when you were around her? Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but if those things are true, no wonder you want your ex back. That sounds like a relationship worth fighting for. Just don’t forget to proceed with caution, with your eyes wide open and your memories clear.

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